Will it be Curtain 1, 2, or 3?

Sometimes life can feel like the game show “Let’s Make a Deal.” I trust that most people have seen this show at some point during their life, as it first hit television screens in 1963. Right from our own living rooms, we have all probably made a bad deal with host Monty Hall.

Anyways, if you recall, costume-dressed contestants, if selected, had the opportunity to make a deal with Monty. Contestants were first presented with an initial offer, but were also given the opportunity to choose what was behind curtain #1, #2, or #3. Monty would use any trick imaginable to confuse the contestants and throw them for a loop. Often times, the biggest prizes came in the smallest packages, and contestants just always hoped they chose correctly.

And, this is why I feel like life is like “Let’s Make a Deal.” It seems that everyday we have choices, options, and tough decisions to make. Will it be curtain #1, #2, or #3…or will we take the initial offer? Sometimes we will pick the “wrong” curtain and sometimes the “right” curtain, but, the bottom line is that we always have choices.

The interesting part, however, is that we always need to remember that not every curtain is bad. Like the game show itself, behind at least one of the curtains was always a gift that stood head and shoulders above the rest. In other words, every single situation offers a good prize…a “happy” choice.

And, I am not even necessarily looking at it from a “there is always a silver lining” perspective, which I happen to believe as well; rather, what I am saying is that some curtains may not be the one we wanted to open, but that doesn’t mean all curtains are that way.

I know this is a bit of a stretch, but there is a point to this. I have some friends who are going through really tough times right now. They are stressed, stuck in ruts, and it just seems like they have lost their joy. Sadly, it has gotten the best of them, and they just can’t seem to find the happiness any more. For some, it has gotten so bad, that is has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more they see only the negatives of any given situation, the more they create only negative potential outcomes. It is as if they only focus on sabotaging having happiness in their life, but don’t even realize they are doing it. Every curtain is “bad.”

Now, I say this from an “I understand” place. I am not judging my friends at all, because I have been there before. I think it is fair to say that most people have been there at some point in their life. And, because I have been there before, I have total compassion for what they are going through and do all I can to help.

Because, I know that, in any situation, there is always a positive outcome. A “winning” prize behind one of the curtains. We can’t loose our faith in the fact that life is good and that there are blessings in every situation. It is just a matter of how we approach things.

So, if you are going through a tough time, just think of “Let’s Make a Deal.” Even if you pick curtain number #3 and get the “brand new tricycle” instead of the $2,000 Monty initially offered you, you have still won. But if that is too much of a stretch and you can’t help but hate the new tricycle, just know that there is something behind one of the other curtains that will make you happy. Fortunately, in life, unlike the show, you always get to make another choice. And, you will find your prize.

There is always a “happy” curtain in every situation.

A Tough, but Important Question

Have you ever asked yourself the question: “Why do I matter?” I know it is not a typical thing to ask yourself, but it is a question I think about quite often. Actually, I have realized just how important of a question it is to ask…and to answer. Let me explain…

First of all, we all have to know in the deepest depths of our hearts that we matter. We are all important to the world. We are all significant in our own unique way and we all have a purpose. In my opinion, this is a fundamental understanding to living a fulfilled life…a life bigger than yourself. (Note: this does not mean that the world is “all about you,” rather simply that you matter to the world.)

With this understanding, we can then ask ourselves the question “Why?” “Why do I matter?” And, this is when it gets both fun and profound.

Over the past 2 years, I have traveled all over the country and have shot video of over 5,000 individuals saying why they matter. It is the most beautiful collection of videos you have ever seen. I promise it would put a smile on your face.

Just recently, I was the keynote speaker at a state-wide education conference in Nevada. It was me on stage and 900 high school student council leaders in the audience. In a word, “daunting.” After talking to them for a while, I decided to try something I have never done before. I asked each and every student to stand up and, in an organized fashion, form a line around the room, with the person at the front of the line standing on stage right next to me.

Then I gave the command, “Now that all of you know that you matter, I want to know why you think you matter.” And, for the next 20 minutes every single student walked onto the stage, grabbed the microphone, and said: “I matter because…”

It was one of the most powerful things I have ever experienced. Imagine 900 future leaders sharing with the world why they matter. You could hear a pin drop in the room…and that is not easy to do with 900 high school students.

They said, “I matter because…”: “I am leader at my school,” “I love my younger sister,” “one day I am going to be our country’s President,” “I volunteer at a soup kitchen,” “I am a child of God,” “my parents love me and I pass that love onto other people,” “I love to smile,” “my team mates rely on me,” “I am the first person in my family to go to college,” “love is the only way,” “I am going to find the cure for Cancer,” “I will be the best mom one day,” and so on.

And, what came over me was…if each one of these young leaders truly makes their answer to the question their focus in life (their personal mission statement), then the state of Nevada is going to be in great shape for many years to come. That’s inspiring.

So, this week, stand in front a mirror in your house and ask yourself the same question. Then, out loud, give an answer: “I matter because…” And, then live it. Write it on a piece of paper. Look at it everyday. Because I know that if it becomes your personal mission statement that you realize and live into everyday, your life, and the world around you, will be pretty special.

You matter. Now, go show the world why.

Inspirational Strangers

I am inspired. Inspired by a group of men and women I have never met. Well, I have met a couple of them, but not the other 423…give or take one or two. These men and women live in Charlotte, North Carolina and work for two different companies, Lincoln Harris and Mechanical Systems & Services (MSS).

And, they are committed to making a difference. To matter.

Two months ago, we started our YOU MATTER Corporate Program with both companies and they have flat out taken it to a whole new level. From top to bottom, they have committed to making a difference in their community…and they have.

Just last week, the focus was: “Donating Books.” Today, I received an email from one of the companies that their employees collected and brought in 563. 563 in one week by one company of 300 employees. They are donating the books to a local non-profit that gathers supplies for their local schools.

Currently, only 1 in 8 children can read at a school-age level. One of the biggest reasons is simply because they don’t have books around them in order to even learn how to read.

The week before last, the focus was: “Thank a Firefighter.” Immediately following, I received photographs of Lincoln Harris and MSS employees visiting nine local fire stations. They brought food, thank you cards, gift cards, flowers, and even baked and decorated cakes. The look on the faces of the employees and firefighters was priceless. So simple, yet so moving.

And, as I sit here writing this column, it just makes me realize that there is nothing cooler than witnessing people helping people. I truly believe that we, humans, are at our best when we are focused on helping others. There is something so pure and perfect about it. And, so easy.

Consider this…

We created a corporate social responsibility program, and, now, people we have never met are out there changing lives for people they’ve never met. And, who knows what those people will end up doing or how receiving the kindness and generosity will impact them. Something tells me a few of them just might pay it forward to someone else.

Well, now imagine 20 companies doing this…or 200…or 2,000. It would be impossible to ever measure how many good deeds are being done between total strangers. People who were moved, who then moved someone who, in turn, moved someone else, and so on.

What a beautiful story. What a beautiful concept…a world of strangers inspiring one another to inspire someone else who inspires someone else. This is the world that we all need to be actively involved in creating and a world in which I know we would all love to live. So, start the next chain of inspiration. You have what it takes. You matter.

Mindful of being Mindful

I had breakfast yesterday with one of my closest friends in Los Angeles. As we sat at our favorite café and ate our breakfast burritos (which is the same café and same food we always have when we meet for breakfast), our conversation started down a pretty deep path. Actually, one of the reasons I believe we are such good friends is because we often talk about very meaningful topics that end up growing both of us as individuals. And, in my book, those are good friends to have.

Somehow, the topic of this breakfast outing was the word “mindfulness.” It is a word that I have tried to focus on significantly over the past few years. Trust me, it hasn’t always been easy, but, without a doubt, it has helped me weather some storms, be a more productive and sensitive person, and allowed me to grow into a fairly decent human being.

The dictionary defines “mindfulness” as: “attentive, aware, careful, heedful, thoughtful, regardful.” In my opinion, these are all synonyms that our world could use a lot more of. And, as we talked more, my friend began to share with me how much being more attentive and aware and has positively impacted his marriage. He shared that it has allowed him to get out of his own head and ego and to be more open to what matters most in the bigger picture of his relationship. He is now a better partner, a better father, a better husband, and he is so grateful for it.

As I reflected more, I realized that Every Monday Matters was completely created from a place of being mindful. It communicates to the world that we can make a difference if we just understand and are more aware of how much we matter. How powerful we are.

In some ways, it is the anti-thesis of who I was and how I lived before writing the book. It is impossible to be selfish, narcissistic, and egotistical, and attentive, thoughtful, and aware at the same time. Being mindful has allowed me to get through some of the toughest times. To be able to see the forest through the trees. To step out of the emotion of a given situation to understand that whatever it is that is causing the anguish will soon pass. To let go of certain things that bother me. To focus on the bigger picture. The destination.

It has allowed me to live a smoother life. The highs aren’t as high, the lows not as low. All because I have tried to focus on this simple word, coupled with a belief that life is supposed to be cherished, fun, and enjoyed. But, being mindful, that there will always come seasons that don’t feel like it.

And, at the same time, it has reminded me to wake up every morning and figure out how to put someone or something else first. To be mindful of how to be a better friend. To be mindful of how to be a better businessman or son or brother. To be able to listen to those around me and really hear what they have to say. What they need. And, to try to do something each and every day to try to make a difference in the world.

It is not always easy, because life throws us those curve balls and we easily crawl back into our fearful, self-focused shells. But, I know that a more mindful world is a better world for all of us. We just need to always remain mindful of that fact.

Getting It Right

The world is enraged right now. Countries everywhere, including the United States, England, and Mexico are protesting. But there does not seem to be a solution in sight…and this is exactly how Joseph Sepp Blatter likes it.

Joseph Sepp Blatter is the President of FIFA, the world’s soccer association. In other words, he is the number one in charge of The World Cup. If you haven’t watched any of the games taking place right now in South Africa, then shame on you. We had a spirited and talented U.S. Team that had to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds to stay in the tournament. In two different games, the U.S. Team scored a goal that was wrongfully reversed, yet they still seemed to persevere and do what they had to do to get to the next round in the tournament. Mexico and England had to do nearly the same thing.

Scoring goals and winning a game in The World Cup is hard enough on its own; but having to overcome completely blown calls by the referee makes it nearly impossible. The U.S., Mexico, and England are all out of the tournament now. I am not going to say it is because of the blown calls by the referees, because there are so many factors that go into the game; but, I am going to say that these calls absolutely impacted the game…and they shouldn’t have. Especially when there is an easy solution.

For years, players, coaches, and fans have wanted Sepp Blatter to bring technology to the game. Every other major sport has it, in an effort to “get the call right.” We see it tennis, where players can challenge a certain number of calls; we see it football, where the coaches can challenge a number of calls; we see it in hockey, where referees can review goals; and we see it in the NBA, where referees can review certain situations. But we don’t see it in soccer, and there have been way too many instances in this World Cup where it could have changed the outcome of the game. It could have “gotten it right.”

And, I would think that “getting it right” is all us soccer fans are asking for. Actually, isn’t it what every single person wants in life? To “get it right.” We want the truth. We want what’s fair. We want what’s good and real and honest. But Sepp Blatter disagrees…and, rightfully so, this is what is causing the outrage.

Sepp Blatter thinks that the controversy is “good for the game.” That the fact that those two amazing goals were taken away from the U.S. Team is why we cared so much about our team. In other words, if we would have won those two games instead of tying them, we wouldn’t be as excited.

This mentality drives me nuts. Not just for the game of soccer, but for the message it sends to the world. Over 26 billion people watched the 2006 World Cup. For perspective, the Super Bowl has roughly 150 million viewers. So, Sepp Blatter’s message to literally the world is that controversy sells more than “getting it right.” And, to me, that is a shame.

I understand that we are partially responsible for the fact that there is some truth to Sepp Blatter’s argument. There is a reason why Jerry Springer, TMZ, and Judge Judy have been such successful TV shows. We love the drama. We love the controversy. And, in some ways, this is as much a statement about us as it is Sepp Blatter.

But, maybe it’s time to let “getting it right” win the day. Because I believe that people would be even bigger fans of the game of soccer (and life), if it held “getting it right” as a higher standard than “controversy sells.”

Hey, we all make mistakes in life, much like the referees have in this World Cup. But, last time I checked, correcting our mistakes should be a priority…not celebrating the controversy and conflict they may have caused. “Getting it right” matters…both on and off of the soccer field.

Not Immune

Sometimes when I watch the news, I feel like it focuses on things that will never affect me personally. I actually think that the majority of people watch the news this way. The most obvious reason I remove myself from the reality painted on my TV screen is that it is usually a pretty depressing reality. Another major earthquake, another murder, another environmental disaster, another job lost, etc. It is so depressing, that I find myself wanting to just turn off my TV and dismiss it as sensationalism and a bunch of “that will never happen to me” stories.

But, for some reason, my perceived invincibility has waivered as of late. Now, as I watch the news, I realize that the stories can and do affect my life, and I was living in a state of denial. Actually, they affect each and every one of us. Let me give a two examples of some “unless you live under a rock” stories:

The Economy. Sure, the stock market plunged a while back, our country went into the worst recession/depression since the 20’s, and people lost their jobs and houses. Heck, it is still going on today…but not in my world. That is just happening to other people I don’t know. Faceless, nameless people out there somewhere.

Wrong. Very Wrong.

Over the past few months, I have spoken with countless friends who are beyond scared right now. Friends with Masters Degrees; friends who work for major law firms; friends who work for some of the blue chip companies that “never” lay people off; friends who started their own businesses; etc. And, all of them are scared. They are also depressed, anxious, and completely lost for a solution. People are not paying for legal any more. People are not taking their animals to the vet anymore. People are not even going to their own doctors anymore. For the first time, I am starting to see the negative impact of our current economic state affect people I know very well. People I would never imagine would be in the financial crisis they are currently experiencing. And, it is scary.

Our Environment. Sure, we have had over 30 major earthquakes already this year ranging from 4.4-8.8 on the Richter Scale. Sure, we have had massive devastation from tsunamis and hurricanes. And, sure over 140 million gallons of oil has spilled into the Gulf of Mexico over the past 48 days at a rate of 20,000-40,000 barrels a day. But this doesn’t impact me. No, not at all.

Wrong again.

I have never heard so much talk about our environment. It seems that these recent major earthquakes, coupled with the BP oil spill, has rattled a lot of people. There is almost a sense that we are starting to hear our Mother Earth screaming at us. “Hey, it’s time to start protecting this planet you live on before it is too late.” And, just as she begins her rant, through neglect and greed, we decide to have the largest oil spill in history. We are literally watching a part of our world die right in front of our eyes. Forty-eight straight days of killing our earth…and counting. It makes me sick to my stomach.
The question becomes… “So, what are we going to do about it?” Because these news stories do impact all of us. Yes, even an oil spill happening thousands of miles away.

I have decided to really focus on my role in all of this. Instead of watching the news and dismissing it as depressing sensationalism that doesn’t affect me, I now look at it as an opportunity to get involved.

For example, maybe I can invite my friends over for dinner or to the movies. Not having money is such a paralyzing feeling. I have been there. So, I know the power of someone reaching out to offer a meal or take me to the movies. Those gestures were some of the only things that got me through my rough financial times years ago. I will never forget the people who stepped up to help me. Now, it is my turn to pay it forward.

Or, you may not find me on a boat with a giant oil vacuum in the Gulf anytime soon, but maybe I can do more to help counteract all the destruction that is taking place. Maybe if we all use less paper and plastic bags right now, drive less, plant a tree, or take shorter showers, we can help alleviate the total sum of stress being placed on our planet right now. We should do this anyways, but especially during times like this.

Or, maybe I can start to pay more attention to the news stories about abducted children. I can actually read the AMBER Alert signs on the freeway and take note of the type of vehicle and/or license plate number they offer. Then, of course, I can start to look around more to see if I happen to see the vehicle. Better yet, I can even have AMBER Alerts sent to my cell phone.

Or, maybe I can start to mentor a child or volunteer at a school instead of just shrugging off all of the education budget cuts that are happening right now. Because, whether I want to accept it or not, our youth are the ones that suffer the most from these education cuts. And, they are the ones who will be running our communities in the future…or not. Investing in them today is also investing into my own future.

I know that watching the news can be depressing. I have tried not to watch it because of this simple fact. But, instead, maybe I need to watch it with through different lenses. Maybe I can just watch it to learn what it happening in the world around me and then figure out how I can be a part of the solution.

At the end of the day, the problems of the greater good and the rest of the world are problems that impact every one of us individually as well. We are not immune…although we’d like to think we are.

You matter. Get involved.

Helmets Matter.

Ahh…it must be summer. There are children everywhere! In the last week, I have, unfortunately, nearly hit two of them. Both times, it was a kid on a bike who darted out in front of my car, likely never saw me and should be glad that I saw him.

At my house, there is a five year old who is becoming very confident on a two wheeler.  He is testing the boundaries of where he should stop at the bottom of the driveway and sometimes, he thinks brakes are completely optional. He also truly believes that the recently installed kickstand actually makes him rider faster (go figure). I have to believe that we aren’t the only ones with a budding speed racer on our hands.

This all serves to bring me to the topic of bike helmets. Neither of the kids I encountered wore helmets but the little boy in my driveway certainly does.

Yes…bike helmets, brain buckets, skid lids. Whatever you want to call them…you gotta wear them and you gotta get your kids to wear them too. In many areas, it is just the law. In others, it’s just a good idea. Here are a few reasons: According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration numbers…Kids between 5-15 years old represented about 14% of the cycling deaths in 2008. According to The children’s Safety Network…Over half of the cycling deaths in young people under the age of 20 occurred due to head injuries. 

Here are a few that surprised me. Also from the National HIghway Traffic Safety Administration…the average cyclist killed in the US in 2008 was 41 years old. 41!  For those who are injured but survive, the average age is 31. 31! I was surprised to read that alcohol played a part in a percentage of the incidents (the cyclist was drunk 23% of the time). That one makes me momentarily speechless.  

Gallup surveys show that half of cyclists wear helmets at least part of the time but the number of cyclists that always wear their helmet drops sharply. The vast majority of people surveyed support childhood helmet laws but  that number drops off when asked about adult helmet laws. What’s the deal? Does this fall into the category of, “I never wore a helmet and I turned out fine”? Maybe so…but when I rode a bicycle as a kid, I had a sidewalk to ride on and I didn’t have to worry that the driver at the light was texting or talking on a cell phone. (Not that would I have known what either of those was….). But I would have been safer that day that I crashed my bike on the way home from the library if I had worn a helmet, even if I did turn out mostly okay anyway.

I’m not saying that a helmet is the answer to all head injuries. I believe helmets all have a little sticker on them that says as much. But they are known to dramatically reduce the risk of head injury, even if you end up getting the super-dorky cheapo version.

So, here’s the bottom line. If you a helmetless cyclist, please buy one. Then wear it. If you already have one, what are you waiting for? When you wear one, please wear it correctly. I have a real issue with people who perch them on the backs of their heads. Personally, I like and would like to keep my frontal lobe, thank you very much. If you are a parent, put a lid on your kids and then make it a rule. The wheels on the bike don’t go round and round until the helmet is on. That goes for you too, Mom and Dad.  

And one more thing; if you are a driver, watch out for the little ones, the medium ones and the big ones who are darting around on two wheels (and the teeny ones on three and four wheels). Please.

And if you drive by our house, make sure my little boy is stopping at the black posts and not an inch farther. Thanks.

For help choosing a helmet for cycling and other sports, please visit the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission at http://www.cpsc.gov/CPSCPUB/PUBS/349.pdf.

Brains matter.

Um???

I am not sure if I am suffering from writer’s block or if I am just in such a deep state of reflection that I can’t seem to find anything to hold onto.  In one second I feel like I have white blindness, then the next second I feel like I am in a scene in the Matrix and all of these images are moving right in front of my face.  Images of my life, my thoughts, my feelings.  Either way, I am totally at a loss at this moment. 

 I have a ritual for writing this column.  I close my office door, turn off my cell phone, and put on the music by a band called Sigur Ros.  As an important side note, Sigur Ros creates possibly the most beautiful and melodic music I have ever heard.  They are from Iceland, so I can’t even understand a word they sing, but they have a way of taking me to the most emotional, spiritual, quiet, reflective place ever.  I highly recommend checking them out.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand…my blankness, yet state of bombardment. 

To be easy on myself, I am not going to say that I have writer’s block.  Instead, I am going to chalk my confusion up to its exact opposite…clarity.  In other words, I believe what is happening is that I have been so busy that I have not taken the time to just stop and reflect.  To sit down for a moment and relive the past few days, weeks, and months.  To actually feel something.  And, now, as I am doing so, the images are flying at me so quickly that I can’t seem to hold on to one of them long enough to dig deeper. 

Yet, I know that, in a strange way, this moment of reflection is helping to bring clarity and is exactly what the doctor ordered.  This Matrix-like state is allowing me to feel things that I have taken the time to feel.  If even for a brief millisecond, it is allowing me to reflect.  And, as frantic as it might seem, it is so refreshing.

Welcome to my heart and head for the next twenty seconds…

Right now, I am feeling frustrated by my visit to the Capitol this week.  A group of two hundred of us joined CALSAC to pay our State Legislators a visit.  Our efforts were in response to the $1.2 billion budget cut proposed by the Governor on child services, which would have a dramatic impact on education and after-school programs.  The frustration I am experiencing stems from the gross and blatant political partisanship that controls our government.  I knew it was bad…just not this bad.  And, I left feeling completely hopeless and as though many of our elected officials are more concerned with their own personal and party agendas than they are of the needs of the people who voted them into office. 

Now, I am feeling excited about the “Party with a Purpose” we threw two weeks ago to launch our OUR SCHOOLS MATTER Campaign.  If it was not cool enough that Keisha and Forest Whitaker hosted the event; the fact that over 400 people showed up, 30 different news and media outlets lined the red carpet, 27 schools got sponsored, and a ton of awareness was generated, certainly made the night pretty special.  And, now, two weeks later, I am finally able to go through all of the photos and watch all of the news clippings and videos.  In a strange way, I feel like I missed a great event…until now.  And, it makes me pretty excited.

Now, I am feeling grateful for how successful the launch of our Corporate Social Responsibility Program is going.  Companies are really stepping up and joining us on this journey of changing the world.  By the end of June will we have 8 companies running our program, and I look forward to working with all of them to kick things off. 

Now, I am feeling peaceful as I sat earlier today and watched my cats spoon one another on my bed.  I forget how peaceful animals can be.  As they fell asleep, I couldn’t help but realize how much by own breathing started to slow down and my eyelids grew heavy. 

Now, I am feeling sad about my neighbor Sam.  His picture is actually in our book.  Sam is now 98 years old and has been my neighbor for seven years.  Sam has lived a beautiful long life, which is definitely something to celebrate, but he is starting to slip a little bit.  He is not his usual joyous, smiley self any more.  And, in talking to him, I hear him getting ready for the next stage of his life.  As hard I try to only see the silver lining in things, the thought of Sam no longer being my neighbor makes me sad.  I will miss his smile…when that day comes.

Now, I am feeling lucky for the parents that I have.  I have never met two more supportive and loving people in my life…and they just so happen to be my parents.  If that is not lucky, I don’t know what is.  They are simply amazing.  Words just cannot describe how grateful and lucky I am for the two of them.

Now, I am feeling fat.  Well, maybe it is because I am.  I have been so busy that I have not taken the time to take care of myself.  A few days ago I had to put on a business suit and it was not a pleasant experience.  I honestly think I needed some Spanks.  And, unfortunately, the scale doesn’t lie, and I am officially the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life.  Which, in a strange way, is great motivation for me.  I am heading to the gym as soon as I finish this column…no joke.

Now, I am feeling like going to the beach to get some sun on my skin and doing sudoku puzzles until I fall asleep.

Now, I am feeling like laughing again at this video I just saw on YouTube of a dog was running in his sleep.  He was completely asleep, yet his legs were moving in a full sprint.  So funny.

Now, I am feeling relieved that the big presentation I gave yesterday is over.  I have spoken all over the country to a lot of different audiences, but never to a room full of 20+ millionaires.  It was a great experienced, but I am absolutely relieved it’s over.

And, now, all of the sudden, I can’t believe I just thought and felt so many things in a matter of seconds.  Maybe that’s a sign that I need to stop living as fast as a speeding bullet.  I am not Superman.  Maybe we all need to slow down from time to time and make reflection a more regular practice.  Something tells me, that if we do, our quiet times will be a little less chaotic.

 Man, I love this band.  There I go again.

The Story of Nikki

Over the past year, we have found ourselves working with over 500 schools that have implemented our YOU MATTER School Curriculum. Along the journey, there have been numerous moments and experiences that have made us realize that we are right where we are supposed to be.

Meeting Nikki is one them. She is an absolute inspiration. Please enjoy this video about this young woman who has moved all of us at Every Monday Matters to work even harder to make sure that every child knows how much they matter.

The Story of Nikki

Nikki Matters from Every Monday Matters on Vimeo.

The Neighborhood Sleepover

It began with a tragedy. A couple, both physicians, were raising two young children in a nice suburb in Rochester, New York. Then one night, the husband shot and killed his wife before killing himself. Their 11-year old and 12-year-old children ran screaming into the street.

Journalist Peter Lovenheim lived 8 or 9 houses away but hardly knew the family. What haunted him was that no one else in the neighborhood seemed to know them well either. Lovenheim began to look into the story.

On the day of the murder/suicide, the mother, fearing for their safety had tried repeatedly to call a close friend to see if she and her kids could spend the night. Her friend was out of town for the day. After school, the woman took her kids to the public library to do their homework to stay out of their house, but by 9 p.m., with no where else to go, she took them home and put them to bed.

Her husband had cancelled her cell phone service earlier that day and then disabled her car when she returned home. At that point, her best option would have been to seek out a safe haven with a neighbor, but despite the fact that the family lived in their home for 7 years, she apparently didn’t know anyone well enough to show up on someone’s doorstep. An hour later, the husband killed her and then himself. Their children moved away to live with grandparents, and the house was put up for sale. Yet the neighborhood seemed unaffected.

“Why is it,” Lovenheim wrote, “in an age of discount airlines, unlimited cell phone minutes and the Internet, when we can create community anywhere, we often don’t know the people who live next door?”

After thinking about what it takes to build a community for awhile, Lovenheim hit upon a rather odd idea: What if he, politely, began to invite himself over to his neighbors’ homes for a one-night sleepover? It was a way to really get to know people beyond what they did for a living and how many children they had. More than half of the neighbors he approached with the idea agreed to have him sleepover and then write about their lives in his book released in April, In the Neighborhood: The Search for Community on an American Street, One Sleepover at a Time.

Lovenheim’s daughter watched her Dad pack his overnight bag and head over to various neighbors’ homes for sleepovers and declared him nuts. My daughter Megan, would die of mortification if I attempted neighborhood sleepovers, but I happen to think Lovenheim’s onto something.

It’s hard work to know people well; to reach outside our reserve and reticence and get to know each other’s stories. Worse yet, knowledge might require us to get involved. In the course of Lovenheim’s sleepovers, he met a woman three doors away who was seriously struggling with breast cancer and in need of assistance. He began to think of ways the neighbors might be able to offer her their collective support.

I’ve been fortunate to live in two neighborhoods where people have intentionally reached out to one another. When my kids left on one of their first vacations with their Dad and his girlfriend, I was saying a teary goodbye in the driveway. My then next-door neighbor Allison came over to ask if I wanted to join her family for dinner. I was so relieved not to have to walk back into my silent and empty house.

Other neighbors down the street in my old neighborhood have a summer tradition of setting up an outdoor movie screen in their cul-de-sac and inviting the neighbors to come by with lawn chairs and snacks to watch family movies. Before they started the film, they helped us break-the-ice with neighbors we might not know as well by passing out “worksheets.” Find a neighbor who has the same number of kids as you do and have them sign this paper. Find someone who is traveling out of the United States this summer. And so on. It might be anathema for the introverts among us, but it always takes some effort to begin an acquaintance that could lead to comfortable, lasting friendships.

I was sad to leave my neighbors when I moved homes a year and a half ago. But Day Two in my new home, while I was messing around with the plumbing of a faulty toilet, the doorbell rang. My new next door neighbors had come over to introduce themselves and brought a dozen cupcakes as they had noticed my brood of children. If only I had unpacked my towels and had one in the bathroom! (“Hi! Let me shake your hand with my wet one. No worries, I’ve just been messing around with the toilet!” I’m sure I made a great first impression with them!)

My new neighbors had been having small dinner parties at each other’s homes, and I was soon invited into the fold. Three dinners at different homes so far and when we were all snowed in during an unusual Seattle snow storm last winter, most of my new neighbors in the cul-de-sac walked over to my house for a Christmas party. Getting to know our neighbors doesn’t require slumber parties or even dinner-party efforts. Last summer, spur-of-the moment, I stopped by Trader Joe’s for desserts on my way home from work and then called the neighbors to stop by my house for dessert and coffee after dinner.

I heard about a neighborhood in Columbus, OH where, for 7 years, they have hosted “Wednesdays on the Porch.” To date, 85 neighbors have invited neighbors to visit and munch on their front porches (doesn’t even require a clean house). Another neighborhood has a parade on New Year’s Day. No one watches because everyone has to be in the parade.

I’m curious to read about Lovenheim’s sleepover adventures. I guess I can’t help but wonder about a guy who would invite himself over to his neighbors for a sleepover and what his perspective is the morning after. Maybe after I finish the book, I’ll pull out my sleeping bag and think about which neighbors I want to know better.

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