Um???

I am not sure if I am suffering from writer’s block or if I am just in such a deep state of reflection that I can’t seem to find anything to hold onto.  In one second I feel like I have white blindness, then the next second I feel like I am in a scene in the Matrix and all of these images are moving right in front of my face.  Images of my life, my thoughts, my feelings.  Either way, I am totally at a loss at this moment. 

 I have a ritual for writing this column.  I close my office door, turn off my cell phone, and put on the music by a band called Sigur Ros.  As an important side note, Sigur Ros creates possibly the most beautiful and melodic music I have ever heard.  They are from Iceland, so I can’t even understand a word they sing, but they have a way of taking me to the most emotional, spiritual, quiet, reflective place ever.  I highly recommend checking them out.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand…my blankness, yet state of bombardment. 

To be easy on myself, I am not going to say that I have writer’s block.  Instead, I am going to chalk my confusion up to its exact opposite…clarity.  In other words, I believe what is happening is that I have been so busy that I have not taken the time to just stop and reflect.  To sit down for a moment and relive the past few days, weeks, and months.  To actually feel something.  And, now, as I am doing so, the images are flying at me so quickly that I can’t seem to hold on to one of them long enough to dig deeper. 

Yet, I know that, in a strange way, this moment of reflection is helping to bring clarity and is exactly what the doctor ordered.  This Matrix-like state is allowing me to feel things that I have taken the time to feel.  If even for a brief millisecond, it is allowing me to reflect.  And, as frantic as it might seem, it is so refreshing.

Welcome to my heart and head for the next twenty seconds…

Right now, I am feeling frustrated by my visit to the Capitol this week.  A group of two hundred of us joined CALSAC to pay our State Legislators a visit.  Our efforts were in response to the $1.2 billion budget cut proposed by the Governor on child services, which would have a dramatic impact on education and after-school programs.  The frustration I am experiencing stems from the gross and blatant political partisanship that controls our government.  I knew it was bad…just not this bad.  And, I left feeling completely hopeless and as though many of our elected officials are more concerned with their own personal and party agendas than they are of the needs of the people who voted them into office. 

Now, I am feeling excited about the “Party with a Purpose” we threw two weeks ago to launch our OUR SCHOOLS MATTER Campaign.  If it was not cool enough that Keisha and Forest Whitaker hosted the event; the fact that over 400 people showed up, 30 different news and media outlets lined the red carpet, 27 schools got sponsored, and a ton of awareness was generated, certainly made the night pretty special.  And, now, two weeks later, I am finally able to go through all of the photos and watch all of the news clippings and videos.  In a strange way, I feel like I missed a great event…until now.  And, it makes me pretty excited.

Now, I am feeling grateful for how successful the launch of our Corporate Social Responsibility Program is going.  Companies are really stepping up and joining us on this journey of changing the world.  By the end of June will we have 8 companies running our program, and I look forward to working with all of them to kick things off. 

Now, I am feeling peaceful as I sat earlier today and watched my cats spoon one another on my bed.  I forget how peaceful animals can be.  As they fell asleep, I couldn’t help but realize how much by own breathing started to slow down and my eyelids grew heavy. 

Now, I am feeling sad about my neighbor Sam.  His picture is actually in our book.  Sam is now 98 years old and has been my neighbor for seven years.  Sam has lived a beautiful long life, which is definitely something to celebrate, but he is starting to slip a little bit.  He is not his usual joyous, smiley self any more.  And, in talking to him, I hear him getting ready for the next stage of his life.  As hard I try to only see the silver lining in things, the thought of Sam no longer being my neighbor makes me sad.  I will miss his smile…when that day comes.

Now, I am feeling lucky for the parents that I have.  I have never met two more supportive and loving people in my life…and they just so happen to be my parents.  If that is not lucky, I don’t know what is.  They are simply amazing.  Words just cannot describe how grateful and lucky I am for the two of them.

Now, I am feeling fat.  Well, maybe it is because I am.  I have been so busy that I have not taken the time to take care of myself.  A few days ago I had to put on a business suit and it was not a pleasant experience.  I honestly think I needed some Spanks.  And, unfortunately, the scale doesn’t lie, and I am officially the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life.  Which, in a strange way, is great motivation for me.  I am heading to the gym as soon as I finish this column…no joke.

Now, I am feeling like going to the beach to get some sun on my skin and doing sudoku puzzles until I fall asleep.

Now, I am feeling like laughing again at this video I just saw on YouTube of a dog was running in his sleep.  He was completely asleep, yet his legs were moving in a full sprint.  So funny.

Now, I am feeling relieved that the big presentation I gave yesterday is over.  I have spoken all over the country to a lot of different audiences, but never to a room full of 20+ millionaires.  It was a great experienced, but I am absolutely relieved it’s over.

And, now, all of the sudden, I can’t believe I just thought and felt so many things in a matter of seconds.  Maybe that’s a sign that I need to stop living as fast as a speeding bullet.  I am not Superman.  Maybe we all need to slow down from time to time and make reflection a more regular practice.  Something tells me, that if we do, our quiet times will be a little less chaotic.

 Man, I love this band.  There I go again.

Comments

One Response to “Um???”

1. Peace says:

   May 24, 2010 at 9:55 am

   Hello Matt,

   Thank you for writing this article. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. This is how my minds works constantly. I’ve even had the Spanks conversation with myself and others. LOL!! Sometimes it’s just a matter of needing to get it out of your head and into the universe. Clarity is sure to follow. UM… You MATER!! (intentional typo). Thanks for being honest with us and awesome.

   Peace-